WORST MOVIES OF 2013

THE LONE RANGER made my Top Ten List as one of the worst films of 2013.

THE LONE RANGER made my Top Ten List as one of the worst films of 2013.

WORST MOVIES OF 2013

By

Michael Arruda

Here’s my list for the Top 10 Worst Films that I saw in 2013.  For a more detailed list, and to find out what fellow author and movie critic L.L. Soares had to say about his worse movies of the year, be sure to check out our comprehensive WORST OF 2013 column coming soon at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT at cinemaknifefight.com, the web site that features new and exciting movie content every day!  Well, almost every day, anyway.

And be sure to check out my BEST MOVIES OF 2013 list right here on this blog, to be posted just before New Year’s.

So, here they are, the Worst Movies of 2013:

First, before we get to my Top 10 List, here are a few movies that made it as Honorable Mentions.  They didn’t make my Top 10 list for the worst films of the year, but they were pretty bad nonetheless.

Honorable Mentions:

THE COUNSELOR – what are the characters in this movie talking about???

THE PURGE – ugly horror movie with a premise that doesn’t make much sense.

PARANOIA – Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman are wasted in a trite tale about corporate greed and spying.

Okay, now on to the Top 10.  Here are my picks for the Top 10 Worst Films that I saw in 2013:

10. THE CALL  – dreadful thriller with Halle Berry as a 911 operator who bungles an emergency call which leads to the caller being murdered.  Somehow, we’re to believe that Berry kept her job, and that sometime later, she actually gets another call from another victim being chased by the same killer as before!  Now, that’s believable!  And of course, this being a movie, Berry eventually gets out from behind her desk and into the field to take on the killer herself and save the day.  She should have stayed behind her desk and saved the movie instead.

9. THE LONE RANGER – this one should have been called TONTO, because Johnny Depp chews up the scenery and steals the show as the Lone Ranger’s sidekick Tonto.  How would you feel seeing a film called BATMAN and the best thing in it was Robin?

Armie Hammer is forgettable as the Lone Ranger, which isn’t totally his fault as writers Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott, and Terry Rossio don’t help him at all, writing a script that forgets to keep him relevant and pretty much makes a joke of the character.

A real mess of a movie.

8. THE WORLD’S END – Simon Pegg’s unfunny tale of a group of friends returning to the town of their youth to go bar hopping together one last time, to finish a journey they had started way back when, and oh yeah, they discover the town has been taken over by aliens from outer space.

This movie has its followers, but I just couldn’t get into it.  I found the humor off, and Pegg’s character completely unlikable and unsympathetic.  THE WORLD’S END couldn’t end fast enough for me.

7. A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD – A good day to stay home from the movies.  Nuff said.  The latest in the Bruce Willis DIE HARD series is old and tired.

6. G. I. JOE RETALIATION – Bruce Willis again, although it’s really not his fault that this movie stinks. After all, he’s barely in it.  The lead role here goes to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  The worst part of these G.I. JOE movies is they have absolutely nothing to do with the G. I. Joe toys from yesteryear.  They also don’t have anything resembling a story.

5. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D – How bad is this one?  Well, look at it this way:  TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D was probably the least suspenseful horror movie of the year, this from a film featuring Leatherface, who’s reduced to being an overweight slow-moving killer who is so incredibly not scary in this movie it’s not even funny!

My favorite plot point in this one:  granny shows her love to her long lost granddaughter by leaving her a house with a homicidal maniac living in the basement!  And she leaves instructions that if her granddaughter shows Leatherface some love and affection, he’ll do right by her.  Yeah, right.  Good one!  Nice going, granny!  I wish you were my grandmother!

 

4. PAIN AND GAIN – Michael Bay’s attempt to make a tongue-in-cheek thriller about a group of bone-headed simpletons led by Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson who decide to make money by involving themselves in a kidnapping scheme.  This one was so idiotic I just couldn’t get past the stupidity of it all.  Its humor was lost on me.

I just couldn’t get into a movie that had at its center characters who were committing serious violent crimes and who were complete amateurs, and as a result, botched everything they attempted, and at a very high price for those who got in their way.

This cross between THE THREE STOOGES and BONNIE AND CLYDE just didn’t work for me.  For me, it was PAIN AND MORE PAIN.

3. YOU’RE NEXT – this horror movie got off to a terrific start but then completely fell apart as it was undone by a series of very unbelievable plot points that got worse as the movie went along. Its premise of a family being attacked in their own home starts off visceral and scary, but as soon as the explanations begin to unfold, as to why this seemingly random attack happened, the movie falls apart.

In short, this one must have been scripted by Dr. Evil, because when you find out the elaborate plan these folks had in store for this family, it would have been simpler and far more effective to simply have shot them dead.  The outlandish plan they concocted is embarrassingly laughable.

2.  SCARY MOVIE 5 – This movie is so bad I’m in complete disbelief that it didn’t make it as #1 on my list.  This supposed spoof of horror movies is so incredibly unfunny it amazes me that someone actually wrote it.  People’s home videos are more entertaining than this nonsense.  When the height of humor uses Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan poking fun at their own personal problems, you know you’re in for a long 90 minutes.

The basic problem with this movie and others like it is that it confuses stupid with funny.  Just because something is stupid doesn’t make it funny, especially considering that most humor is incredibly intelligent.

Okay, here it is, my pick for the worst movie of 2013:

1. GROWN UPS 2  – Now, I didn’t actually review this one (thankfully!) but I caught it this past summer at the drive-in on a summer vacation with my sons.  Just how bad is this one?  I didn’t laugh once.  Not even once.  This one played like Adam Sandler compiled all the unused footage from the first GROWN UPS movie and then edited together into this movie.

No story, no laughs, no continuity.  To even call this a movie is an insult.  When the funniest guy in the film is Shaquille O’Neal as a policeman, you know you’re in trouble.

The worst comedy I’ve seen in many, many years.

Okay, that wraps up my picks for the Worst Movies of 2013.  Next week I’ll post my picks for the Best Movies of 2013.

Thanks for reading!

—Michael

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